When you're in a relationship with someone for a long time, strange things can start to happen to your brain. However, I can not speak for everyone--strange things may just happen to my brain (but I doubt it). Anyway, here is an example: Every now and again, I would lie beside my beloved and watch him in his blissful slumber. It was not a loving stare as you would expect, but more of a squinty, hissing snake like stare. I would lie awake and fantasize about rolling him off the side of the bed and spreading out like a star fish, sending my fingers out in search of the cool, delicious recesses beneath the pillows. I imagined scissoring my arms and legs back and forth in the same way you would to make a snow angel. Yes. I would make a lovely cotton sheet angel if I could and it would be bliss. If a toe innocently found its way over to my side, I would resent that toe for all of eternity.
Well, now I sleep alone. And surprisingly, I am not a star fish and I don't make sheet angels. I lie perfectly still on my side of the bed as if the other side was still occupied. And because I have no one to bounce my crazy off of anymore, I am forced to learn how to be alone again, to keep myself company. And one thing that I have learned about myself is that I am kind of a jerk and I can be really annoying. I learned this through quiet contemplation and sentimental reminiscing.
It's a strange feeling when you first start sleeping alone again. I would say things to myself like, "Oh, I really miss going to bed together and sharing stories about what our day was like." Then I would realize that it never actually happened like that. It was more like me crawling into bed hours after him, slap his face a little bit to wake him out of a sound sleep when he had to be up for work very early in the morning and say, "Holy shit! Do I have a story for you!" Jerk like and annoying. Also, I would read in bed all night, leaving the light on, and wake him if something I just read was so touching it just couldn't wait till morning. Also jerk like and annoying. You know what? Lets throw creepy in there too, cause who squints and hisses at a sleeping person like a snake because they want to be a star fish. This creep does.
But although these things are surfacing about who I was and I'm not particularly pleased with myself or my behavior, I have come to recognize these realizations as gifts. And little by little each night, I learn to be alone, and I stretch out a little bit more.
